tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-59763377991093989352024-03-13T12:28:08.270-07:00freshpageFor Psychological and Relationship Well BeingRachel Lewis, Psychotherapist, Freshpage Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483695630740013334noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5976337799109398935.post-44776462625443050662016-02-04T08:25:00.000-08:002016-02-04T10:07:54.976-08:00Approaching Mortality<style>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">How do you understand what is happening to you?</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">What is your worst fear?</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">What is most important to you?</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 10.0pt;">What sacrifices are you prepared to make?</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">In recent months, I have been providing a
counselling service to patients and family members at a local hospice and I
recently came across this book:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Being Mortal: Illness, medicine, and what
matters in the end” by Atul Gawande </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I was so struck by the humanity and
experience of the writer that I was wondering if a review of its contents might
be useful for some of my readers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Who
might benefit from this book?</span></b></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Anyone living with life threatening
illness, living with someone with a life threatening illness or working in
palliative care. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyone who is
mortal. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">What
are the</span></b><span lang="EN-US"> <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">main
ideas?</b></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Modern medicine struggles to deal with
mortality. For this reason, it runs the risk of neglecting care at the end of
life. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">However Atul Gawande argues that, in life,
endings can be more important then the countless moments that come before. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">In end of life care, endings matter. This
is true for both the one with a life threatening illness and for those closest
to them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Gawande suggests that being mindful of
endings eases or limits suffering by supporting individuals to:</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span lang="EN-US">Negotiate over-whelming anxiety
about death, about suffering, about loved ones and finances. </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span lang="EN-US">Reach acceptance of the limits
and possibilities, leading to a greater sense of empowerment.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span lang="EN-US">Share memories, pass on wisdom
and keep sakes, settle relationships, establish legacies, make peace, ensure
that those who are left behind are ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "symbol"; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span lang="EN-US">End on their terms </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Difficult
conversations</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Gawande advocates courage in having
difficult conversations with individuals and family members. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">"I am
worried"</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">He argues that facts can be daunting and
confusing. According to him, people are more interested in the meaning behind
the facts. He suggests that the words “I am worried that the illness is still
there” convey more then any medical detail. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The most important
questions</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">How do you understand what is happening to
you?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">What is your worst fear?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">What is most important to you?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">What sacrifices are you prepared to make in order to hold on to what is most important?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">It seems as if these questions cannot be
asked too early or too many times. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Time has a habit of altering all answers
and everyone, without exception, has a habit of moving unconsciously through
life and of limiting the choices that they make about how they live. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">These ideas will be all the more meaningful
to those amongst us with a heightened sense of their mortality. If this describes you, then you might
appreciate this book. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-US">Supportive
links</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellors/rachel-lewis"><span lang="EN-US">http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellors/rachel-lewis</span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.macmillan.org.uk/"><span lang="EN-US">http://www.macmillan.org.uk</span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/"><span lang="EN-US">https://www.alzheimers.org.uk</span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Being-Mortal-Illness-Medicine-Wellcome/dp/1846685826/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1454602807&sr=8-1&keywords=atul+gawande"><span lang="EN-US">http://www.amazon.co.uk/Being-Mortal-Illness-Medicine-Wellcome/dp/1846685826/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1454602807&sr=8-1&keywords=atul+gawande</span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Rachel Lewis, Psychotherapist, Freshpage Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483695630740013334noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5976337799109398935.post-60490460571933291092010-11-02T13:28:00.000-07:002016-02-04T13:50:43.176-08:00How to Argue<!--StartFragment--> <br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">As a marital and family therapist, I sometimes consider it my job to help people to have a good old-fashioned argument. It’s no easy matter, as there seems to be a real knack to getting it right. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Not all families argue but it can be a helpful way of maintaining closeness. It helps people to regulate negative emotions and allows opportunities for family members to feel heard and accepted.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">If you grew up in a family where the smallest thing could result in a full blown fight or if you rarely saw anyone in your family get angry, then this article might be for you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">It will look at common and unhelpful conflict styles and will suggest ways in which we can win arguments without letting our relationships lose out.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Volcanoes, Gas Tanks, Tortoises and Hedgehogs</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Every one uses different styles of dealing with anger. I have divided these different styles into categories.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Volcanoes:</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">A volcano stores up anger, resentment and bitterness until it all get’s too much to control and the volcano has to blow. This can be pretty explosive leaving both the volcano and other members of the family stunned and hurt.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Volcanoes learned a long time ago that the best way to deal with a problem was to keep perfectly calm. This approach can be highly successful at work and in many situations at home. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">However the mounting tension can be exhausting. Family members may also be unaware that anger is building up leaving the volcano feeling misunderstood and frustrated and adding further to their anger.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Gas Tanks:</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Gas Tanks tend to carry a lot of volatile material around with them and can explode with the slightest spark. They can be very sensitive to having their feelings, hurt or ignored and have found in the past, that the only way to address hurt, fear or sadness is by losing their temper.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">If you live with a gas tank, you may find yourself feeling anxious not to hurt or offend in any way. You may also find yourself treading on eggshells a lot of the time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Hedgehogs:</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Hedgehogs are good at not exposing any part of themselves that feels vulnerable. They have learned as children that expressing their feelings can be dangerous and can lead to rejection or abandonment.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">The trouble is that hedgehogs can be extremely prickly to the touch. If you live with a hedgehog, you may be used to getting your feelings hurt. It is unintentional but can be experienced as sarcasm, the cold shoulder, insensitivity, or humiliation.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Tortoises:</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Tortoises plod away and take everything in their stride. They have a tough outer shell and seem to be immune to feelings.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">If you live with a tortoise you may feel lonely and ignored. You may feel misunderstood and wonder if they really care. Paradoxically their outer shell is there to protect them from caring too much.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">A vicious circle can develop where family members take pot shots at the tortoise in order to make them react. However this can only make them retreat further into their shell.</span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Of course this is an over simplification. In fact there are crossovers between the styles and we often find ourselves adopting more then one in family arguments. </span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">The trouble is that each style feeds off the other. They are self perpetuating, leaving family members caught in escalating conflict or bitter withdrawal.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">How not to be a volcano, gas tank, hedgehog or tortoise.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">We have all caught ourselves, or someone we love using these argument styles. However it takes a great deal of tolerance in a relationship to endure this for long.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">John Gottman has done a thorough study of happy couples and has noted that happiness in relationships is not found through avoidance of arguments but in the adherence to certain unwritten rules.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">It’s not whether you argue but how. With this in mind, I have extrapolated some ground rules for family conflict.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Win/ win</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Many people think that in order to win an argument, someone else has to lose. In fact the win/lose approach often results in both sides losing. Arguments can become entrenched, leaving people feeling exhausted and hopeless about finding a solution.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Instead of being on separate sides, therefore, try to imagine that you are looking for a way back on to the same side. If you allow your loved won to win you over with their argument, it is very likely that they will do the same for you.</span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Lids with safety valves.</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Gas explosions are never helpful in arguments so try and put a lid on it. If you feel like a volcano and can sense the pressure building up then release it gently and effectively using assertiveness and empathy. If you are about to blow then use time out.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Assertiveness</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Be assertive. There is no need for profanity, insults or abusive tactics. Try not to make the argument about the other person or point the finger of blame. Focus on what happened, how you feel and why this is so important to you.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Empathy</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Arguing without empathy is a bit like shaving with no sense of touch. Without empathy, how do you know how sharp your words are and how hurt your loved one feels? </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">Arguments can escalate so easily without this essential ingredient.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Take time out</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">If you become too agitated then take time out. Acute stress makes it hard for us to think clearly. So if your temperature goes up, or you hear the blood pounding in your ears, take a break.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Notice if you are hungry, or tired. This can greatly affect your ability to keep a lid on things. You may find it helpful to eat something or have a sleep. Writing your thoughts down in a letter may help you to calm down. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: medium;">Useful links </span></div>
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<a href="http://www.canadianparents.com/article/seven-secrets-to-a-happy-marriage"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">http://www.canadianparents.com/article/seven-secrets-to-a-happy-marriage</span></span></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.gottman.com/?gclid=CMzFnp7k_aQCFaP92AodZVC2hg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">http://www.gottman.com/?gclid=CMzFnp7k_aQCFaP92AodZVC2hg</span></span></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.suite101.com/content/resolving-conflict-a214421"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">http://www.suite101.com/content/resolving-conflict-a214421</span></span></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.suite101.com/content/overcoming-conflict-avoidance-a52146"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">http://www.suite101.com/content/overcoming-conflict-avoidance-a52146</span></span></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.suite101.com/content/arguing-positively-a91233?sms_ss=email&at_xt=4cc9a5a3e27b2c76,0"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">http://www.suite101.com/content/arguing-positively-a91233?sms_ss=email&at_xt=4cc9a5a3e27b2c76,0</span></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.suite101.com/content/four-negative-behavior-patterns-in-marriage-a231804?sms_ss=email&at_xt=4cc9a2eeb9e423a4,0">http://www.suite101.com/content/four-negative-behavior-patterns-in-marriage-a231804?sms_ss=email&at_xt=4cc9a2eeb9e423a4,0</a></span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: "verdana";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Rachel Lewis, Psychotherapist, Freshpage Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483695630740013334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5976337799109398935.post-51168648703028661872010-10-27T12:33:00.000-07:002016-01-09T10:48:36.848-08:00The Reality of Virtual Adultery.<!--StartFragment--> <br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">Have you or your partner ever flirted or indulged in sex with another individual?Have you ever watched porn over the internet or developed an intimate relationship online with someone you have never met? </span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Lately, I seem to be getting more and more referrals of couples reporting virtual adultery. This seems to coincide with a swathe of new communication technologies. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">It seems that it has never been easier to have an affair.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">If you have ever been negatively affected by these issues, then this article is aimed at helping you to make sense of feelings that you might be experiencing. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">It will highlight some effects of virtual adultery and will flag up some of obstacles for couples in staying together after an affair.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">If you belong to a couple affected by cyber adultery then this post may bring up discomfort and a host of other emotions. No matter what your role or stake in it has been, reading this will take some courage. You have done enough to make it this far.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Why are virtual affairs becoming so common?</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">We live in a communication age. A quick search on Google demonstrates how easy it has become to initiate a sexual or flirtatious encounter with someone you have never met. Advancing technology now means that these liaisons can occur at any time of day or in virtually any place.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Communication technologies bring with them the ability to conceal or misrepresent one’s identity. The anonymity that this affords enables one to explore aspects of one’s sexuality that would ordinarily not be expressed.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">It enables people to indulge in powerful fantasies. They can be whatever they want to be: tall, slim, attractive, considerate, and supportive. Online, these identities are worn like a second skin and have the power to be utterly convincing.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">The intoxication of these fantasies can be highly addictive. It has even been suggested that hyper-stimulation during cyber sex, interacts directly with the pleasure pathways to the brain increasing vulnerability to sexual addiction.</span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Discovery of the Affair</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Internet affairs cannot be hidden forever and it is often the graphic details of a sexual encounter that get discovered first.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Some have likened this experience to trauma. Trauma is associated with the experience of a life-threatening situation. It is argued that, a close bond with a life partner is an advantage for survival and that adultery puts this bond at risk.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">This argument offers an explanation for the experience of depression, anxiety, or the sense of betrayal that some feel after the revelation of an affair. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Flashbacks to the moment of discovery can occur without warning. Individuals may be plagued by obsessive and distressing thoughts and images and become hyper-vigilant for signs of further betrayal.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">The ease with which the adultery took place; the manner in which it was concealed; and the level of intensity of the adulterous relationship can pose problems. How can one compete with a virtual rival? What assurances can be given that it will not happen again? What assurances can be believed?</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">For the one who has been unfaithful, there may be guilt, shame, depression anxiety. There may be fear of losing an important relationship, either with one's spouse or the adultery partner. Paradoxically, there may be relief because the need for secrecy is now over.</span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The Effects on Your Couple</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">It is not hard to imagine the strain that can be put upon a couple once a virtual affair has been revealed. It is possible that the affair has unleashed a Pandora’s box of blame, criticism, denial and minimization.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">In the aftermath of the discovery, both sides of the couple may blame and criticize each other for what has gone wrong. They may minimized each other’s feelings or minimize the effect that this has had on the other.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">For the one feeling betrayed it is understandable if hurt ends up expressed as rage. For the one who has been having the affair, it might feel like they are going to be punished for the rest of their life. They may try to limit the hurt by denying that this was a real affair. They may use distance to avoid further attacks.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">The mixed emotions faced by both sides in the relationship can create a roller coaster ride leaving neither one nor the other feeling hopeful or safe to seek comfort in their relationship.</span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Rebuilding the Relationship</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">The following suggestions are intended as guides. It may be hard to avoid opening that Pandora’s box of blame, criticism, denial and minimization. If this is the case, an individual or couple therapist might be helpful:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Establish Safety </span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">It is important to understand how this affair has affected both of you. The more you can show that you acknowledge and understand the consequences of what has happened, the more safe you both will feel.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Remember, those who feel betrayed have one of the hardest tasks. It is understandable to feel ambivalent about the relationship. Unfortunately, the more you express this as blame and criticism, the more anxiety and distance gets created in the couple.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">An important factor in easing your anxiety and hurt is the establishment of clear boundaries. This means finding ways of making sure that the affair is over.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">It will also mean being clear about whether or not and how to reestablish a physical relationship with each other.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Establish Communication</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Only once safety in your couple has been established, can you begin to address the factors in your relationship that led up to this. The following questions might help to guide your conversations with each other:</span></div>
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<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">·</span></span><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">Have either of you recently experienced a difficult transition such as the bereavement of a loved one or change in life? How has your couple supported you through this?</span></span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">·</span></span><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">Is there any buried anger or hidden resentment that either of you have not been addressing?</span></span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">·</span></span><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">Do you find it hard to approach the other person for comfort, warmth or support?</span></span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">·</span></span><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">Do you ever feel criticized, blamed, undermined, misunderstood or forgotten?</span></span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">·</span></span><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">Do you feel comfortable in your own skin?</span></span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">·</span></span><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">Are you satisfied with your sex life? </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><a href="http://freshpagetherapy.blogspot.com/2010/10/low-sexual-desire-in-relationships.html">http://freshpagetherapy.blogspot.com/2010/10/low-sexual-desire-in-</a></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><a href="http://freshpagetherapy.blogspot.com/2010/10/low-sexual-desire-in-relationships.html">relationships.html</a></span></span></li>
</ul>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">It can be hard to move on from an affair. However, couples that do manage to do this report feeling stronger in their relationships as a result. Don’t forget that there are a number of experienced therapists out there to help, should you get stuck. </span></span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Resources:</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">To find a therapist:</span></span></div>
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<a href="http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/</span></span></a></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">Books:</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797">http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797</a></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Relationship-Cure-Strengthening-Marriage-Friendships/dp/0609809539/ref=pd_sim_b_3">http://www.amazon.com/Relationship-Cure-Strengthening-Marriage-Friendships/dp/0609809539/ref=pd_sim_b_3</a></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-/dp/0060928174/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1288206982&sr=1-1">http://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-</a></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-/dp/0060928174/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1288206982&sr=1-1">/dp/0060928174/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1288206982&sr=1-1</a></span></span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">Blogs and Websites:</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><a href="http://www.affairs-help.com/self_assess.html">http://www.affairs-help.com/self_assess.html</a></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><a href="http://www.aamft.org/families/consumer_updates/infidelity.asp">http://www.aamft.org/families/consumer_updates/infidelity.asp</a></span></span></div>
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<a href="http://fatherhood.about.com/cs/dadsandmoms/a/affair_proof.htm?terms=extramarital+affairs"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">http://fatherhood.about.com/cs/dadsandmoms/a/affair_proof.htm?terms=extramarital+affairs</span></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><a href="http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/recovery-and-repair/rebuilding-trust/timing.html">http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/recovery-and-repair/rebuilding-trust/timing.html</a></span></span></div>
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<a href="http://www.gregswensonphd.com/infidelity.htm#7"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">http://www.gregswensonphd.com/infidelity.htm#7</span></span></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Rachel Lewis, Psychotherapist, Freshpage Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483695630740013334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5976337799109398935.post-77616017215462859862010-10-23T16:21:00.000-07:002016-01-09T10:52:50.594-08:00Low Sexual Desire in Relationships: Where Has the Passion Gone?<!--StartFragment--> <br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Sex is everywhere. In marketing, it sells everything from cars to chocolate. It brings audiences to the big screen and drives people’s fantasies.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">In happy couples, sex is a good way of expressing love, acceptance, caring and desire for the other person. It can forge feelings of connection and partnership. It can be pleasurable and fun.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">In unhappy couples it provokes feelings of rejection, mistrust, anxiety, loneliness, shame and disappointment.</span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">If you are asking yourself where all the passion in your relationship has gone, then this article may help you to talk about it with your loved one and to start exploring possible causes and solutions.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">1.</span></span><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Break away from cultural myths</span>:</span></span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">There is a cultural myth that real men do not experience low sexual desire. This myth is being put to the test, as growing numbers of men in the US express concern over their falling sex drive.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">By contrast, women are the ones who are often accused of having low libidos. This has often led to clichéd accounts of women withholding sex in order to frustrate their male partners.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Popular myths can cause real problems when it comes to addressing concerns about sex. It places unrealistic expectations on both members of the couple. It can lead to disappointment or resentment, fuelling a negative cycle of blame and shame and spiraling down to even less desire and satisfaction.</span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">In an attempt to sort fact out from fiction, I am often asked to comment on what is normal. The truth is that when it comes to desire, normality encompasses a broad range of experiences.</span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">The most important thing is to forget about what you’ve been told. Find out whether or not you and your partner, are satisfied with your current sex life. This is the best place to start in defining the problem and looking for a solution. </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">2. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Look at biological factors</span></span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Here are some factors, which can influence your body’s ability to feel desire. To assess them, it might help to consider when lack of libido started becoming an issue. It is always best to consult your doctor in case there are medical problems that need to be treated.</span></div>
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<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Fatigue</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Increased alcohol intake</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Poor health</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Stress</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Lack of sleep</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Certain medications such as antidepressants,</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Depression</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Certain medical conditions such as endocrine disturbances</span></li>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">3<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">.</span></span></span><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Get to know the sexual life of your couple</span></span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Talking about sex can be daunting. When there are so many cultural taboos around sexuality, many individuals fear that they will be rejected or ridiculed when they share their private thoughts.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">However getting to know the sexual life of your couple is about getting to know how sex is experienced by both of you. There are many things to think about that could be relevant to your relationship. The following ideas, if sensitively explored, could be used to guide conversation.</span></div>
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<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Have either of you had prior sexual experiences that have influenced how you or your partner, feel about sex today?</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Have either of you lost a child, had an abortion or miscarriage?</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Have there ever been problems with fertility?</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Have either of you ever worried about your body image?</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Has sex ever been painful?</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Have either of you ever experienced physical or sexual abuse?</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">How do your ideas and beliefs about sex compare to one another?</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">Are you able to know or talk about what turns you or your partner on?</span></li>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">4.</span></span><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Check the emotional pulse in your relationship</span></span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">This point is often overlooked but is extremely important. In fact the bedroom is often the arena where difficulties in the emotional life of a long-term relationship get expressed.</span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">This is because intimacy requires complete trust. To be naked with your partner; to be honest about your sexual desires and needs; to fully express your sexuality; requires honesty about your emotions and acceptance of and sensitivity to your partner’s feelings.</span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">So now is the time to sort out everything that has been piling up in the kitchen sink. That includes looking at any unexpressed anger, resentment or disappointment in your couple.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;"><a href="http://freshpagetherapy.blogspot.com/2010/11/how-to-argue.html">http://freshpagetherapy.blogspot.com/2010/11/how-to-argue.html</a></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">5.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Accept your differences.</span></span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">The more open you are to hearing what your partner has to say, the more openness there will be in your couple. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">This is about accepting difference and that includes the differences that you both experience in desire.</span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">There is often change in desire as couples mature. This can result from age-related factors which are experienced differently and at different times by men and women.</span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">It can also result from the changes in body chemistry that are experienced as couples move from the passion of first encounters to a more stable and enduring sexual relationship. In fact, it is often at this stage that couples first notice a difference between themselves in terms of sexual appetite.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">6.</span></span><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Focus on the solution </span></span></div>
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<o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"> </span></span></o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">If your idea of sexual satisfaction is vastly different to your partner’s, then it may be helpful to start looking for some common ground. By focusing on what you want rather then what you don’t want, you move away from negative patterns of blame and shame and towards a level of intimacy built on sensitivity and respect.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">And Finally</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;">If you and your partner need support in exploring some of these issues then contact a qualified marital and family therapist </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;"><a href="http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php">http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php</a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana; font-size: small;">. We are there to help.</span></div>
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<!--EndFragment--> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>Rachel Lewis, Psychotherapist, Freshpage Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483695630740013334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5976337799109398935.post-11169884436261476002010-10-01T07:01:00.001-07:002016-01-09T10:58:26.135-08:00Play, Family Life and Emotional Well Being<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">As children go back to school and homework agendas take the place of the carefree, less structured weeks of summer. I ask if we shouldn’t be allowing more time in our family lives to play.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Play is often ignored by adults, who may see it as pointless. Yet play is satisfying, pleasurable, fun. It is an intrinsic part of childhood and a child's natural medium of self expression. Play is often how children make friends, forming relationships that often span years.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Through play, children learn to be themselves. They explore aspects of their personality, they develop skills which make them feel good about themselves. What we know is that when engaged in play the child often becomes so engrossed as to lose awareness of his/her time and surroundings becoming immersed in an imaginary or symbolic world.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Play starts with a relationship. Between mother and infant, mirroring smiles and gurgles lend movement and sound to a time-honored dance. </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">In this early play, children learn that they are lovable and special, that others are loving, caring and trustworthy, that the world is an exciting place to explore. As children develop, games become more elaborate including face making, role playing and physical games.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">It is a safety mechanism to let off steam. Through play a child can express his anger whilst feeling safe from retaliation. </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">For many families, play introduces humor at times of severe stress. It helps them cope with irritability, sadness and even fear. It has the potential for parents and children to build deeper connections with each other through laughter, imagination, and creativity.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Play stirs things up, [states professor and psychotherapist Catherine Ford Sori] gets families …trapped in their left brains to use the creative spontaneous and playful aspects of their right brains". Play allows family members to see things from different angles, to explore new roles for themselves, to approach family problems with greater flexibility and maturity.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I don’t know when we lose our ability to play but maybe our children have something to teach us after all.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">References</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Sori, C.F. (2006) "Engaging Children in Family Therapy" Routledge: Taylor and Francis Group</span></span></span>Rachel Lewis, Psychotherapist, Freshpage Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483695630740013334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5976337799109398935.post-10723384553504331712010-10-01T06:52:00.000-07:002016-01-09T11:02:06.974-08:00Cognitive Behaviour Therapy: What is it and how does it work?<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: medium; line-height: 15pt;">
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<b><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">“The mind is its own place, and in it self c</span></span></b><b><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">an make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.”</span></span></b></div>
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"></span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 24px;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 24px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">~John Milton, Paradise Lost</span></span></b></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 24px;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 24px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></b></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #562e10; line-height: 24px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Many of you reading this blog will hear a ring of truth in the quotation above. Perhaps you are plagued by negative thoughts that circle almost constantly in your head. Perhaps moments of creeping anxiety or even sheer panic make your life unliveable.</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"></span></span></o:p></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) was devised to get to the heart of each individual’s personal hell. It provides a method of changing the way we look at things and of changing our experience of life as a whole. I use it to work with anxiety where it has shown to be a useful approach.</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"></span></span></o:p></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Its central philosophy is that beliefs about ourselves, about others, or about life in general have a direct impact on what and how we feel and on how we behave. CBT describes how this can create a kind of a feedback loop, where a person’s beliefs and their physiological, emotional and behavioural responses all interact with each other in ways, which perpetuate and maintain the problem.</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"></span></span></o:p></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Imagine for example that you are walking into a bar one day and a man turns to look at you. What do you think?</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">“He’s noticed how I look.”</span></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">“What does that guy want with me?”</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">“This does not look like a safe bar.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">“That guy must be waiting for someone. He must have wondered if I was that person walking in”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"></span></span></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"></span></span></o:p></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">On the surface, it’s impossible to judge which of the above thoughts might be true. However they each reveal something about our general outlook towards life, towards others or towards ourselves.</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"></span></span></o:p></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Supposing one were to think </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">“He’s noticed how I look.” This thought may come from a variety of different outlooks.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> Someone, for example, who generally sees the world as an unfriendly place might be prepared for the possibility that others will laugh at him. If he then goes out and sees people looking at him, he might automatically think that they are judging him.</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"></span></span></o:p></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">At this point there is often a physical response. The person might go red, they might feel a lump in their throat, a tightness in the chest, or feel short of breath. Their heart might pump harder. They might shake or sweat. They might experience stomach pains or a sense of unreality. This in turn emphasises the impression that others are looking and leads to feelings like, embarrassment, shame, anxiety, sadness or anger.</span></span></div>
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<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"></span></span></o:p></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">In response, he might start a fight or duck into a corner. He may attempt to deflect attention by having a loud conversation with the bar man. According to CBT, the way we behave in response to these events only goes to reinforce the beliefs that caused such a reaction in the first place.</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"></span></span></o:p></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">It sparks a vicious cycle that can lead to spiralling negative thoughts and escalating psychological and physical discomfort.</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"></span></span></o:p></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Although we all have beliefs that guide our general outlook in life, we are rarely aware of them. This is because they are always acquired when we are very small and don’t have the language to question them.</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"></span></span></o:p></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">So they get hardwired to a part of the brain, which operates automatically. CBT is about gaining control through finding these beliefs and making them conscious.</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"></span></span></o:p></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Cognitive behaviour therapists help their clients to examine their beliefs either through carefully devised questions or through behavioural experiments.</span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"></span></span></o:p></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Behavioural experiments involve exposure to the events that elicit the discomfort. The theory goes that by facing up to our beliefs in a concrete way we reach parts of the brain that other therapies can’t reach rewiring our belief system and creating possibilities for long term positive change.</span></span></div>
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Rachel Lewis, Psychotherapist, Freshpage Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483695630740013334noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5976337799109398935.post-11898769536518040582010-10-01T06:46:00.000-07:002016-01-09T11:05:08.941-08:00What is Solution Focused Therapy and How Does it Work?<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="font-family: Times; font-size: medium;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Solution focused therapy (SFT) was devised in the 1980’s by Steve de Shazer (O'Connell 1998). It is often used as a form of brief therapy.</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I often integrate SFT into other forms of therapy. It can be helpful in setting the goals of therapy. It can also be useful in helping family members to break entrenched conflict or in introducing conversations about intimacy.</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The philosophy behind the approach came from 2 surprising observations that were made by De Shazer’s team.</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">1.</span></span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Clients are not necessarily helped, by talking about the problem or it’s origin.</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">2.</span></span><span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The solution does not have to fit the problem</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">A problem focused approach, they argued tended to limit clients and their therapists to old ways of talking about and viewing a problem. Therapy, they noticed, could often appear stuck in the past offering scant vision of what changes needed to be made in the future.</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">De Shazer maintained that positive changes could be made in a person’s life without defining the problem at all. F</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">or a solution to be found, i</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">t was enough to ask the client to imagine their future without the problem.</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">We cannot successfully steer a bicycle without looking in the direction we want to go. Nor can we navigate ourselves out of life’s pitfalls, without a sense of the future and of how different we want things to be.</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Things that you may notice about an SFT session are that it is very focused. The therapist will be actively inviting specific ways of talking that he or she believes are most conducive to solution finding.</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">A typical session will focus upon what you would like to change. It will invite you to think of a hypothetical situation when the problem does not exist. You will be asked to focus on very concrete changes; such as the differences that you or others will see or hear. Finally you will be invited to define the first step that needs to be taken in reaching this future.</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Therapy takes as long as it takes. However emphasis is placed upon the client’s competences, strengths and sense of autonomy. The aim is to not keep anyone in therapy longer then is needed.</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">References</span></u></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">O'Connell, B. (1989) "Solution Focused Therapy" Sage:London</span></span></div>
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Rachel Lewis, Psychotherapist, Freshpage Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483695630740013334noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5976337799109398935.post-16166271632799634922010-09-30T18:29:00.000-07:002016-01-09T11:07:45.278-08:00Therapy? What's the Point?<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;">
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<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Many people have asked me what my approach to therapy is.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Here, I outline my views on therapy and why it’s important.</span></span><span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I believe in the innate potential that we have as human beings to gain a deep understanding of what troubles us helping us to make difficult changes in our lives.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">This fundamental respect for the individual has helped me to recognise many of the strengths that clients bring to therapy. It obliges me to provide an environment where individual clients are able to hear themselves think.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Clients have often remarked with surprise that they have been able to answer for themselves, the questions that they had been asking me. I believe that clients have felt empowered by my faith in their abilities and that this has helped to facilitate feelings of accomplishment and hope in their lives.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I believe that we have an innate drive to form relationships. Where relationships provide understanding, acceptance and trustworthiness, we feel comfortable with who we are and can face ourselves, and our personal challenges more readily.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I believe, therefore, that therapeutic growth can occur inside or outside of therapy but never outside of the relationships that we form with those around us. What makes therapy different is the honesty and level of focus of a session.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Many seek help when they feel isolated or estranged in their relationships with others. They are often surprised at the notion that a professional, or anyone for that matter, might care about them. However it's every therapist's job to care. So why expect any less.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">In sessions, I endeavour to feed back to my clients my own understanding of what they are saying. I don’t always get it right. In a session recently, a client became surprised when I did not understand her. However, I believe that the process of finding words to help me see things from her point of view helped her to evaluate her own perceptions and to see that there could be another perspective.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">In my training I have absorbed a variety of different models, which help frame my work. In later blogs I will be looking at Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, Solution Focused Therapy, ideas from Object Relations Theories and varied approaches in couple and family therapy.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I have blended these approaches together to make a seamless garment. My clients seem to like the fit. The importance is in how I weave my fundamental respect for what they are going through, my wish to be as honest as I possibly can and my desire to understand.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Fraley, R.C. (2004) "A brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research" http://www.psych.uiuc.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Greenberg, J.R. and Mitchel, S.A. (1983) "Objects Relations in Psychoanalystic Theory" Harvard University Press: Cambridge, Massachusetts.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Merry, T. (2002) "Learning and Being in Person Centred Counselling" PCCS books: Ross on Whye<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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Rachel Lewis, Psychotherapist, Freshpage Therapyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01483695630740013334noreply@blogger.com0