How to Argue

As a marital and family therapist, I sometimes consider it my job to help people to have a good old-fashioned argument. It’s no easy matter, as there seems to be a real knack to getting it right.

Not all families argue but it can be a helpful way of maintaining closeness. It helps people to regulate negative emotions and allows opportunities for family members to feel heard and accepted.

If you grew up in a family where the smallest thing could result in a full blown fight or if you rarely saw anyone in your family get angry, then this article might be for you.

It will look at common and unhelpful conflict styles and will suggest ways in which we can win arguments without letting our relationships lose out.

Volcanoes, Gas Tanks, Tortoises and Hedgehogs.

Every one uses different styles of dealing with anger. I have divided these different styles into categories.

Volcanoes:

A volcano stores up anger, resentment and bitterness until it all get’s too much to control and the volcano has to blow. This can be pretty explosive leaving both the volcano and other members of the family stunned and hurt.

Volcanoes learned a long time ago that the best way to deal with a problem was to keep perfectly calm. This approach can be highly successful at work and in many situations at home.

However the mounting tension can be exhausting. Family members may also be unaware that anger is building up leaving the volcano feeling misunderstood and frustrated and adding further to their anger.

Gas Tanks:

Gas Tanks tend to carry a lot of volatile material around with them and can explode with the slightest spark. They can be very sensitive to having their feelings, hurt or ignored and have found in the past, that the only way to address hurt, fear or sadness is by losing their temper.

If you live with a gas tank, you may find yourself feeling anxious not to hurt or offend in any way. You may also find yourself treading on eggshells a lot of the time.

Hedgehogs:

Hedgehogs are good at not exposing any part of themselves that feels vulnerable. They have learned as children that expressing their feelings can be dangerous and can lead to rejection or abandonment.

The trouble is that hedgehogs can be extremely prickly to the touch. If you live with a hedgehog, you may be used to getting your feelings hurt. It is unintentional but can be experienced as sarcasm, the cold shoulder, insensitivity, or humiliation.

Tortoises:

Tortoises plod away and take everything in their stride. They have a tough outer shell and seem to be immune to feelings.

If you live with a tortoise you may feel lonely and ignored. You may feel misunderstood and wonder if they really care. Paradoxically their outer shell is there to protect them from caring too much.

A vicious circle can develop where family members take pot shots at the tortoise in order to make them react. However this can only make them retreat further into their shell.

Of course this is an over simplification. In fact there are crossovers between the styles and we often find ourselves adopting more then one in family arguments.

The trouble is that each style feeds off the other. They are self perpetuating, leaving family members caught in escalating conflict or bitter withdrawal.

How not to be a volcano, gas tank, hedgehog or tortoise.

We have all caught ourselves, or someone we love using these argument styles. However it takes a great deal of tolerance in a relationship to endure this for long.

John Gottman has done a thorough study of happy couples and has noted that happiness in relationships is not found through avoidance of arguments but in the adherence to certain unwritten rules.

It’s not whether you argue but how. With this in mind, I have extrapolated some ground rules for family conflict.

Win/ win

Many people think that in order to win an argument, someone else has to lose. In fact the win/lose approach often results in both sides losing. Arguments can become entrenched, leaving people feeling exhausted and hopeless about finding a solution.

Instead of being on separate sides, therefore, try to imagine that you are looking for a way back on to the same side. If you allow your loved won to win you over with their argument, it is very likely that they will do the same for you.

Lids with safety valves.

Gas explosions are never helpful in arguments so try and put a lid on it. If you feel like a volcano and can sense the pressure building up then release it gently and effectively using assertiveness and empathy. If you are about to blow then use time out.

Assertiveness

Be assertive. There is no need for profanity, insults or abusive tactics. Try not to make the argument about the other person or point the finger of blame. Focus on what happened, how you feel and why this is so important to you.

Empathy

Arguing without empathy is a bit like shaving with no sense of touch. Without empathy, how do you know how sharp your words are and how hurt your loved one feels? Arguments can escalate so easily without this essential ingredient.

Take time out

If you become too agitated then take time out. Acute stress makes it hard for us to think clearly. So if your temperature goes up, or you hear the blood pounding in your ears, take a break.

Notice if you are hungry, or tired. This can greatly affect your ability to keep a lid on things. You may find it helpful to eat something or have a sleep. Writing your thoughts down in a letter may help you to calm down.

Useful links

http://www.canadianparents.com/article/seven-secrets-to-a-happy-marriage

http://www.gottman.com/?gclid=CMzFnp7k_aQCFaP92AodZVC2hg

http://www.suite101.com/content/resolving-conflict-a214421

http://www.suite101.com/content/overcoming-conflict-avoidance-a52146

http://www.suite101.com/content/arguing-positively-a91233?sms_ss=email&at_xt=4cc9a5a3e27b2c76,0

http://www.suite101.com/content/four-negative-behavior-patterns-in-marriage-a231804?sms_ss=email&at_xt=4cc9a2eeb9e423a4,0

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy: What is it and how does it work?

“The mind is its own place, and in it self can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.”

~John Milton, Paradise Lost

Many of you reading this blog will hear a ring of truth in the quotation above. Perhaps you are plagued by negative thoughts that circle almost constantly in your head. Perhaps moments of creeping anxiety or even sheer panic make your life unliveable.

CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) was devised to get to the heart of each individual’s personal hell. It provides a method of changing the way we look at things and of changing our experience of life as a whole. I use it to work with anxiety where it has shown to be a useful approach.

Its central philosophy is that beliefs about ourselves, about others, or about life in general have a direct impact on what and how we feel and on how we behave. CBT describes how this can create a kind of a feedback loop, where a person’s beliefs and their physiological, emotional and behavioural responses all interact with each other in ways, which perpetuate and maintain the problem.

Imagine for example that you are walking into a bar one day and a man turns to look at you. What do you think?

“He’s noticed how I look.”

“What does that guy want with me?”

“This does not look like a safe bar.”

“That guy must be waiting for someone. He must have wondered if I was that person walking in”

On the surface, it’s impossible to judge which of the above thoughts might be true. However they each reveal something about our general outlook towards life, towards others or towards ourselves.

Supposing one were to think “He’s noticed how I look.” This thought may come from a variety of different outlooks. Someone, for example, who generally sees the world as an unfriendly place might be prepared for the possibility that others will laugh at him. If he then goes out and sees people looking at him, he might automatically think that they are judging him.

At this point there is often a physical response. The person might go red, they might feel a lump in their throat, a tightness in the chest, or feel short of breath. Their heart might pump harder. They might shake or sweat. They might experience stomach pains or a sense of unreality. This in turn emphasises the impression that others are looking and leads to feelings like, embarrassment, shame, anxiety, sadness or anger.

In response, he might start a fight or duck into a corner. He may attempt to deflect attention by having a loud conversation with the bar man. According to CBT, the way we behave in response to these events only goes to reinforce the beliefs that caused such a reaction in the first place.

It sparks a vicious cycle that can lead to spiralling negative thoughts and escalating psychological and physical discomfort.

Although we all have beliefs that guide our general outlook in life, we are rarely aware of them. This is because they are always acquired when we are very small and don’t have the language to question them.

So they get hardwired to a part of the brain, which operates automatically. CBT is about gaining control through finding these beliefs and making them conscious.

Cognitive behaviour therapists help their clients to examine their beliefs either through carefully devised questions or through behavioural experiments.

Behavioural experiments involve exposure to the events that elicit the discomfort. The theory goes that by facing up to our beliefs in a concrete way we reach parts of the brain that other therapies can’t reach rewiring our belief system and creating possibilities for long term positive change.